A Short Guide to Shiva
Shiva is the Jewish tradition of gathering to comfort mourners in the days immediately following burial. The word shiva means “seven,” reflecting the traditional seven-day mourning period observed by the immediate family. Contemporary practices may vary. When we attend a shiva home, we help fulfill the mitzvah of nichum aveilim — the sacred obligation to comfort those who are grieving.
This guide offers a brief overview and simple, practical guidance for anyone visiting a shiva home — whether for the first time or as a refresher.
What to Expect at a Shiva Gathering
- The home will be arranged to welcome visitors for a set period of time.
- Mourners may be sitting on low chairs or stools, a traditional sign of grief.
- The atmosphere varies: some homes are quiet and reflective, others warm and full of memories and stories.
- There may be prayer services (often Mincha/Ma’ariv) if a minyan is present.
- Food may be available, but it is not a social event; the focus is on supporting the mourners.
How to Offer Comfort
When you arrive
Approach the mourners gently and let them set the tone. A simple: “I’m so sorry for your loss” is always appropriate.
Talk about the person who died
Ask the mourners about their loved one. Sharing your own memories, stories, or qualities you admired about the person can also be deeply meaningful — if the mourner seems open to conversation. Let the mourners themselves set the tone.
Silence is also comfort
You do not need to fill the space with words. Your quiet presence is often what mourners value most. As a wise saying goes: “Don’t just say something, sit there.”
Stay as long as feels right
Many people stay 10–20 minutes, especially when the home is full; staying longer is fine if the family seems receptive.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do I have to say anything specific?
The traditional Ashkenazi phrase for comforting a mourner, perhaps when you arrive or when you leave a shiva home is: HaMakom yenachem etchem b’toch sha’ar avelei Tzion v’Yerushalayim which means “May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
The simpler Sephardic traditional phrase is: “Min hashamayim tenuhamu” which means “May you be comforted from Heaven.”
A sincere English phrase like “I wish you comfort” or “I’m sorry for your loss” is also perfectly appropriate.
What should I not say?
Avoid attempts to explain the loss (“they’re in a better place,” “it was meant to be”), advice, or comparisons. Shiva is for presence — not problem-solving.
Do I need to remove my shoes when entering a shiva home?
In traditional practice, mourners refrain from wearing leather shoes during shiva, but this custom does not apply to visitors. If the household normally maintains a “no shoes indoors” custom, they will let you know.
What should I bring?
Usually nothing. If the family has requested food, help, or donations, follow their guidance. Bringing food unasked can sometimes create an extra logistical burden for the mourners.
What should I wear?
Dress respectfully but comfortably — as you might for synagogue or a community gathering.
Can I hug the mourners?
If you know them well and hugging is a normal part of your relationship, follow their cues. Otherwise, offer words of comfort and let the mourner initiate any physical contact.
Are children welcome?
Often yes — especially if they knew the mourner or the deceased. Use your judgment, based on the family’s preferences and the child’s ability to remain calm and respectful.
What if I didn’t know the person who died well?
You don’t have to have known the person at all. It is still meaningful to show support for the bereaved. Even a short visit offers comfort.
Closing Thought
Showing up for one another in times of loss is one of the most profound expressions of community we share at Ansche Chesed. Your presence — quiet, respectful, and compassionate — is one of the greatest gifts we can give to those who are grieving.
